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There's nothin left 2 say.. I haven't talked in days..& I'm not sure what I sound like anymore

Ok so I'm fucking my life up. I know this. Do I want it like this? No. Then why do I do it? Please tell me, b/c I have no fucking clue. I'm not dumb I know not going to school is only hurting me and my future. I plan on going to school every night before I go to bed, but come morning I just don't get up. "It's your choice, if you wanted it bad enough you'd do it, it's your responsiblity, blah blah blah" Yes I've heard this thousands of times. I'm not denying that it's my responsibility in anyway, and I know it's ultimatley my choice.. but if I want to go to school, and I want to get good grades, and I know it'll only do me good, and I have no problem with school then why the HELL would I be choosing not to go? I'm choosing TO go but it just... doesn't happen. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, obviously something. I know it doesn't make sense for me to say that I'm choosing to do it but then I don't but that's what is happening. I don't know... I don't fucking know anything anymore.
Well at least we all know that if you need anyone to fuck something up, I'm your girl!...
It seems like there's not enough hours in the day either... seriously it just seems like the day starts, and then it's done before I do anything. It's so fucking frustrating..
Actually everythings so fucking frustrating. I'm just one big ball of stress right now.


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†.Planned Perfection, Sought in my Dreams.†

Oh man do I ever miss you, Livejournal!!!!!

I think I may have to take up upating you again.. hmm. Damn I wish everyone had livejournal instead of xanga. Livejournal is so much sweeter. Fuck fuck fuck.
Ok well I've developed a horrid sleeping pattern. Went to bed at four in the morning last night, and slept, quite literally, all day. Oh jeez.. now it's almost seven and I have about 3 days worth of homework to do in 3 hours. Well that is simply not going to do.
I've also gained a lot of weight, it's the most disgusting EVER. I always had a problem with thinking I was too fat normally when I weighed 100, I thought that was obscene.. 98.5 (or under) was the only weight I was comfortable with. I was actually down to like 94 for a while, that made me way happy. Ok well latley I've drifted up into the... oh God this makes me want to puke up my insides just writting it.. but into the 104-105ish zone. Yeah I know like 99.9% percent of you are sitting there just being like "Wow you need to shut the fuck up right now" but I don't think you understand how much 1/2 a pound actually means to me. You'd be really suprised. I know it has to do with my depression, but the thing is that my depression has always made me loose the weight not gain it. This needs to stop right now. Ok.
Wow it's so much eaiser to write in Livejournal! Everyone reads my xanga all the time so I can't really write anything that I actually want to say. Ok livejournal, I promise to start updating you more. This kind of put me in a better mood.
I need to go start my homework.
<3 Nikky
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    Tiny Cities Made of Ashes- Modest Mouse
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Words Remain......................My Only Escape

Mark and I broke up today.. I'm not sure how temporary or permanent this is. The last few weeks there have been so many unresolved fights and things seemed unable to be fixed, so everything just kept getting worse. I was with him last night and things are always almost perfect when I'm with him and we never fight.. but then today things just were bad again. It seems like he doesn't care about a lot of things, but I can tell he still means it when he tells me how much he loves me.. just he used to be really good on getting all the fights worked out and resolved but now he just seems to be blowing them off so they stay unfixed, and that builds a ton of tension and just.. bad stuff. Today when I said I wanted to break up he cried for a while and tried to get me not to and everything but then after a little while he just kind of seemed to except it, like he wasn't even going to try and fight for it, like it wasnt worth it or something.. he was like "Will you still at least call me?" So yeah I hate how he just excepted the fact I wanted to break up instead of showing me he really does care by fighting for it. Things have just been so horrible latley, and we both know it. He still tells me that he wants to grow up and marry me and have kids with me and grow old with me but I tell him thats never going to be able to work if things keep going the way they are. I think that his Dad not letting us hang out is a big part of it because I can barley ever see him, let alone have him be there for me when I need him.. like I want someone that when things get bad at home I can just leave and go there, or they'd come to me, and just hold me because that would seriously makes things better for me, just to feel his touch and be in his arms when things are bad.
So as of now we're not together and I don't really know whats going on.. I'm still scared of calling him even though his Dad shouldn't be mad since we aren't going out anymore. I don't know. All I know is I NEED him.. he is everything to me in every way and even if this is just temporary and stuff its KILLS me and literally breaks my heart to be away from him like this.... I just feel like sitting down and bawling my eyes out until theres no more tears to cry. Plus I don't think he believes me that I love him because he's always thinking I'll leave him for another guy, which I know is just Mark being insecure, which is why I tell him time and time again that he needs to get some kind of medication to help with depression, or counseling..I need him to KNOW I love him unconditionally forever and NOTHING could change that.This is all so horrible, Mark and I are broken up, my Dad is gone, and my sick bitch of a mother is acting exactly how I thought she would when Dad gave her money and then left. Three more days until he gets back........ cant wait. I don't know what to do anymore with me and Mark I really don't, when I try to think about it my mind just goes completley blank. I feel like if you compared our relationship to a computer, it would be so choked and full of virus's and shit that it could barley turned on.. so I just need to get rid of it all........ but I
And its killing me.
Something needs to happen, and soon... I'm just not sure what.

</3 </3 </3 </3

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    Blood Pigs- Otep
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Breaking Hearts Has Never Looked So Cool

Wow.. I definatley missed livejournal.. a LOT.

Ok so from now on I'm using this for my thoughts and things.. not a run down on my week. So I got my drivers permitt to drive with my parents today and I was kind of shocked into realizing how old I'm getting so fast. This must be how my parents feel all the time.. and I don't like it.

I miss being little and making statements regardless of peoples feelings because your too young to even think of that, and then having everyone think its cute and laughing.. and I miss playing with things, and then having people think it's cute that your playing with things. And I miss thinking wild thoughts with no logic or point, and I miss being so spontaneous and having it be ok because "she is only little, she didn't know". And I miss having everything around me feeling so safe, and figured out because I don't have to make any decisions, and I miss not knowing anything about the world because I was too young to have to think about it so everything seemed very secure and like it had always been there, permenit, and its solid and for sure.

But now the world is a scary place, everything seems so temporary and thrown together by the government in an attempt, almost like a hope, that it will make things work out. And things are just getting worse, the world is being destroyed from pollution, people are so careless and selfish, I have to make all my decisions for myself all of the sudden and I just miss everything always being so.... innocent and carefree. I miss it a lot.

But I am lucky to have Mark, we're still together and nothings changed, I have every intention of staying with him until we can get engaged (his idea) and I think if I try and be a better person and not think so much about myself that it will be very very possible, and I'm going to work really hard on that because I love him with everything I am and I would throw my life on the line for him any day. Ok.. wow I'm really glad I wrote in here.. its really refreshing from xanga where everyone I know reads it so I can't put everything like this in there.. it'd just be weird. Ok so I think I'm done for now.

Mark I <3 you more then lifej

<3 Nikky
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(no subject)

I love Mark so much I honestly really do. We've been going out for about a 1 year & 8 months and things have only gotten better and I just love him more and more each day. In health we're learning about "infatuation" and "love" and when I read about the differences it seems almost like a checklist when I read the parts about love because it completley applys to us and literally describes our relationship which makes me so happy. I don't like to think about a future with him because it seems childish to set myself up for dissapointment but I'm really confident that we can do this, and I'm not an easy believer so this means something. He makes me so happy and I can be so open around him and just.. be me. He's the reason I get up in the morning I love him so much and I'd do anything to make him happy. It's amazing I found a guy like this and I know how lucky I am, and I try so hard not to take him for granted. When I see romance movies and all the girls are sitting there saying "I wish I had a guy like that" or "I wish someday I will be able to find a someone to treat me like that" I'm sitting there smiling because Mark does all those thing, and I DO have a guy like that and a really gorgeous good hearted one that trys with everything he has to make me happy. I KNOW I don't deserve him and I have no clue why he puts up with me but I love him so so so much. I can go to sleep knowing how lucky I am to have him and thats a good feeling to fall asleep to.

Mark sweety my <3 belongs to you and ALWAYS will, no one can change that.

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    I'm Melting- The Used
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Blood Is Spilling Everywhere...

Yeah so my weekend has pretty much sucked.

I'm feeling a lot better today because I took a ridicoulus amount of medicine followed by about 16 jalapino peppers. I thought I couldn't taste anything but I was wrong. My mouth burned for about an hour.

Tomorow is my last day to get better before school. I'm so out of energy and everything that I think I'm just going to go downstairs and watch a movie or something.. yeah that sounds good.

Hope your all doing better then me :)


Finished Reading: Kissing Doorknobs, Doing It
Currently Reading: Monster
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    Helena- Misfits
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(no subject)


Leave a msg on my cell to make me smile. I wont pick up, don't worry. Promise.

(Yea, I stole Amanda's idea)

616 901 6685

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    I Miss You- Blink 182
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Hey Girl, You've Got A Smart Way About You.

My Father hath broughten me home some Lucky Charms!

My new quirk: Obsessing that the (white) walls in my house are perfectly white.
Hence me bleaching every wall for the last four hours with a bottle of Clorox bleach spray and a spongue. My obsession started moving to the exterior of the house (also white) but thank God my bottle of bleach ran out. I think I'd still be out there.

Why is it every time Mark calls me honey, baby, or sweetie I just completley melt away and smile to myself?... even on the phone.. then I feel retarted as hell.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. I got bored today so I made this

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into this --------> Image hosted by

I thought it was pretty neat-o. Ok gotta go to bed. I promised Mark before ten.

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    Hey Girl_Dashboard